blistered lips

“Taste it,” she tells you, “it’s sweet; you’ll like it. It’s from the orchard we walked through late last night.”

And so you take the apple from her slender fingers. You wonder at how it can be so shiny, so smooth and deeply crimson. It is the most perfect apple you’ve ever seen. You want to taste it. You want to taste its lush and sugary juices across your tongue. You want to swallow and feel the cool liquid coat your throat.

“Yes, darling, I know you want to,” she whispers at your ear, “I know you need to. You need to bite it. You’re so hungry, and I’m going to feed you. You need to sink your teeth into it. You need to puncture the peel with your teeth. You have to. You have to do it now.”

And so you do. You eagerly open your mouth and even as your teeth pierce its flesh, you smell the aroma of her cunt. She has coated the apple with her malicious juices and you are damned. She is dark, she is evil, she is the greedy, wicked, demanding Femme-Phantasm haunting every Grimm’s Fairy tale. She wants to possess you, debase you, drive your very soul into the dirt, but you can’t stop. You don’t want to stop.

You have to swallow her poison. Her poison that will finally conquer you, debilitate you, enslave you.

As you begin rabidly gnawing at the apple, you feel your balls — icy and hot at the same time — seize up. Your cock is PDQ hard: rock hard, petrified rock hard, boner than bone hard, steel rod hard. Your ass sphincter is rapidly opening and closing, and you can’t make it stop. She’s in control — not you. Not you, not ever again you. Never ever again.

Your orgasm rises up like a fist pummeling through your body and you are cumming, preternaturally spewing. It weeps from your eyes, gushes from your nose.  It leaks from your ass. You can smell it, your own spunk oozing from your pores, rising up in the back of your throat.

You fall to your knees and you know it is done: She has fucked you.

Tomorrow you will eat her apple. And every day after that.

What matters, what I’m trying to tell you, what I’ve been trying to tell you all night, is that you’re busted.  We can’t go back now.  There is no turning back.  I liked watching you much more than I like fucking you.  Can’t you understand that?  Don’t you get it?

But I thought you liked sex with me.

I do, or I should say that I did.  It’s been changing for a while now.  What, probably for a year?  Yes, at least a year.  It hasn’t been the same and you know it.  I know that you know it.  I mean look what you’ve been doing behind my back.

I … I …

Sush!

But …

I said to shush and I mean it.  There’s no sense in being embarrassed and I really don’t have the patience for any of your silly posing.

No fucking?

No fucking.  Besides the fact that you really have never been that good at it, and besides the fact that I’ve been rather bored with your “breast-grab, spread my legs and mount me” tactics, well, like I said, I’ve rather enjoyed watching you this past month.

You’ve been watching for an entire month?  What the fuck?

Hmph.  Like you have any room to judge me!  Let’s just remember who’s been sitting on a rickety stool in the back of the basement with his pants down around his knees any chance he gets.  Lets not forget who does it in the shower, on the toilet or even off the back deck, when he thinks he can get away with it.

You saw me on the deck?  Jesus!

I sure did.  In fact, tomorrow you are going to go down below the deck and clean off that bird feeder.  Absolutely disgusting.  And if you do something like that again, I’ll make you clean it off with your tongue.  Do you hear me?

Yeah.

Don’t you dare roll your eyes.  Come here; I want to show you something.  I said come here.  Come here right now!

Jesus!  Okay, what?

See this website?

Yeah, what about it.

I built it.  Don’t look so surprised.  I’m not as technically challenged as you think.

Oh fuck!  No, no no.  What the fuck?  What are those?  Oh, honey, you didn’t.

Oh yes I did!  Once I figured out how much you were “going at it,” I started taking pictures.  So let’s see.  Each page holds twelve pictures and so far I’ve got almost six pages.

Honey, baby.  This isn’t right.  What if somebody sees them for Christ’s sake?  You’ve got to get these down.  You’ve got to take this website down.

No.  Look closely.  See how I’ve blurred your face?  Nobody’s going to recognize you.  And, take it from me, even if you’ve cheated on me with hundreds of women?  Your dick just isn’t that memorable.

You bitch!

You have no idea.  Now get your pants down and start jerking that dick of yours.  This time you’re going to do it right in front of me.  No sneaking off like a dirty pervert.  Come on, get them down.

This is crazy.  You’ve gone off the deep end.

Here, let me show you something else.  With a click … here, here and then there.  Do you see that?  That picture is NOT blurred.  And I can do that to every last one of them.  And then, my love?  I can just pop a link into an email and send it out to all your business associates, your friends, even your family.  Like you just said — I’m a bitch.  But guess what?  You’re MY bitch.   Your my masturbating bitch boy from now on.  Whenever, wherever, however —  I tell you to drop your drawers and start pumping, you will do just that.  Do you understand?  Do you get it now?

I, but …

Let’s see, where is that email address to your secretary.  Or, better yet, your sister-in-law.  There they are.  I think I’ll just send it to both of them.

No. Please.

Then get busy.  Get busy now.  That’s a good boy.  Drop them lower.  Drop them down around your knees, you dirty little masturbator.  That’s right.  Now get jerking.  Wrap your grubby paw around that thick, useless cock and start stroking.  Look.  Look how hard your prick is.  You know what you are.  Stroke it.  Stroke it and repeat after me:  I’m a dirty, masturbating bitch.  Go ahead.  Stroke it.  Say it.  Stroke it.  Say it.  Go ahead.

I’m a dirty, masturbating bitch boy.  I’m a dirty, masturbating bitch boy.  I’m a dirty, masturbating bitch boy.  I’m a —

Don’t stop.  I’m just getting the camera.  Got to have fresh content for the website, after all.

In the corner he stands.  Facing the wall, his hands to his sides.  Naked and appearing so vulnerable, so alone.  And you might, indeed, think him a lonely man.  A sad man.  Even maybe a pathetic man.  But let’s take a closer look before we go away with our own first impressions, shall we?

Look, when we try to peer into his eyes (because really, when it’s all said and done, that’s where one can quickly ascertain the truth of a person, isn’t it?), there’s something covering his face.  My, oh, my, is that what I think it is?  Yes, it is.  Panties!  Panties covering the dear boy’s face.  Now what did he do to merit that?

But, wait!  Look at how the crotch of those panties are placed strategically over his nose.   We must get in a little closer.  Let’s just cozy up next to him and see exactly what is going on here.   Goodness!  Looked at how soiled the panties are!  Even from here the scent is quite robust.  The scent of sex, I dare say.  The pungent scent of man-woman sex.  Intriguing.  Quite intriguing.

Now that we are so close, do you see what I see?  Look at that penis sticking out so straight and stiff from his groin.  Hmmm.  A rather small one, isn’t it?  Nonetheless, it’s quivering and bobbing just a bit.  Pity to the poor woman he might try to mount with that silly little thing.  How tedious and utterly boring it would be for her, don’t you think?

Do you hear that?  Coming from the wall of the corner our little mini-meat-man stands against?  It’s muffled, but still exuberant and loud.  What could it be?  Did you see that?  I do believe that puny appendage of his just twitched.  Why, he’s reacting to the moans and groan, the creak of bed springs, the slapping of flesh we are hearing from the other side of that eggshell white wall!  And look at that!  He just took a deep sniff of those panties.  Oh, he did it again.  And again.  Look at that tiny stone pencil of his actually quivering.

Wait.  Someone is saying something from behind the wall.  Let’s listen.

This is what you deserve, you sad excuse for a husband.  Do you hear me, Henry?  Are you smelling the fuck on my panties while I’m getting my next dose of real man cock?  You’re a loser, Henry.  And you’ll stand there in the corner like the sorry dick-wad you are while I fuck this stud.

Oh my!  I think we have our answers.  And, at this point, I do believe we should leave Henry to his moment of bliss.

The lights are hotter than you’d imagined.  The makeup she’s applied feels shinier, brighter somehow under the glare.  You blink — your eyelashes like giant spider legs against your cheeks.  Your rose-rouged cheeks, you remember.  To match your whore lips, she’d said just moments ago.  You wonder what you look like in the camera’s lens, because it is pointed right at you.  You feel it like the hot point of a laser.

But it is your mouth you feel the most.  She’s outlined it — a brick smear all around the outside curve of your lips.   It makes your mouth the perfect bulls-eye for cock, she’d said, and you heard the girl giggles from beyond the light.  She never told you her friends would be here today, but they are.  You can’t see them but they can see you, and they are — have been and will be — watching everything.

She filled in the outline — the “bulls-eye” — with glossy red lipstick; showing it to you before applying it.  You’re just going to be the perfect little Candy Mouth with this on, she’d said, the perfect Cock Sucking Candy Mouth.  You couldn’t help yourself then and you whimpered.  And she slapped your face hard.  Of course, the girls laughed, one of them telling her, “That’s it.  Smack the fuck out of that sniveling, Candy Mouth Faggot.”

And now you are waiting.  Waiting on your knees in the glaring spot light, naked except for your make up and the large, red bow she’s tied around your penis.   Waiting in this cavernous, high-ceilinged and dull grey chamber.  Ignored for the moment as beyond the light last minute preparations are made.   And you are going to do this.  You know there is no going back now.

You are going to suck cock.  You are going to do it in front of the camera and Mistress will do as she pleases with the film.

A door opens and closes.  You hear the heavy footsteps.

“Wait.  One more thing.”

She kneels in front of you with the red lipstick.  She begins writing on your chest.  “Make sure you get this on film, too, ” she says to the person behind the camera.  To you she says, “You deserve this.  You deserve everything you’re getting.”

When she is done writing she tells you what she wrote on your chest, the asks, “Who are you?”  You’re not sure what she wants and don’t answer fast enough.  “I just wrote it on your chest, DumbFuck.”  She slaps you hard again.  “Figure it out.”

“I am Candy Mouth.”

“Now let’s get this right the first time,” she says as she gets up and walk beyond the light.  We are going to start filming and we’re going to start with you answering a few questions.  Got it?”

“Yes, Maam.”

“Okay, are we ready.”  She is talking to them, not you, and you are silent.

You here the low whir and see the blinking light that tells you filming has started.

Who are you?

“I am Candy Mouth.”

Does Candy Mouth fuck girls?

No Maam.

Why doesn’t Candy Mouth fuck girls?

Because I am a faggot cocksucker, Maam.

Then the shuffle of feet as a man steps into the light.  He is shirtless; you can see the muscles of his arms and chest pumping even as he steps forward.  The black leather hood covering his head matches his tight pants.  You can see his bulge, large and heavy riding up the right side of his crotch.

In spite of yourself — your embarrassment, your complete humiliation — you are getting excited.  You feel the red bow move against your upper thigh as you become erect.  The man is standing right in front of you when you hear Mistress speak again.

Why is your penis getting erect, Candy Mouth?

“Because I’m going to suck this big man’s cock, Maam.  I’m a faggot cocksucker.”

Don’t you think you better ask permission, Candy Mouth?

Your hands at your sides, you look up at this man you do not know, you cannot see.  You lick your lips, feeling your heart hammer against your ribcage.  You feel so small, so weak.

“Sir, may I please suck your man cock.  Can I put my sissy lips around your fat prick and take the load from your balls.  Please,  Sir?”

The girls giggle again, but this time Mistress is quick to shush them.  The man grabs his crotch and grunts; he teases you, running the tips of his sausage fingers over the shiny leather covering his bulge.  Finally, he unzips his fly, but then puts both hands on his hips.  He wants you to come after it.

And so, fingers trembling, you reach inside and pull out his cock.  It is thick and dense with veins; the head is the size of a small fist.  Although you want to swallow it whole, you move slowly.  Although you wish he would just grab your head and throat fuck you, you know better.  You move your head forward, opening your mouth and place the heavy bulk of his meat onto your tongue.

As you begin working your mouth up and down on his cock you hear him grunt from behind the hood:  “That’s it, Faggot; that’s a good, little Dick Bitch.”  Your own little penis thrills to hear the contempt in his deep baritone, causing its red ribbon to bob up and down.  Splaying his large fingers across your scalp he begins pushing his cock into your mouth, stroke by stroke, deeper and deeper.

As his movements become quicker, his breath raspier, you fumble to pull his balls from the open zipper.  Feeling their swollen fullness, thinking about taking all of that down your throat, you believe you might actually swoon.  But suddenly he stops and pulls his cock from your mouth.

“You want that,” he says as he smacks his cock back and forth across your face, strands of pre-cum streaming across your nose, your eyebrows, your painted cheeks.  “You want what’s in those balls?”

You moan.  “Yes, Sir.  Yes, Sir, please.  I want it.  I want your cum.  I want to eat your cum.”

Then Mistress speaks from the dark, from behind the camera:  Tell us who you are.  Tell everybody on the Internet who is going to watch this who you are, and then we’ll let you have your Cock Juice.

And you do.  You tell the world:

“I am Candy Mouth.  I’m a Faggot Bitch Dick Eater.  I suck man cum out of Real Men’s Balls.”

Then he is leaning over you, pushing his cock so far back into your throat that your are gagging.  His bloated balls are like rocks against your chin.  And you don’t care that everyone and anyone will be able to see this, see you humiliated and used like this.  Because you want that cum.

Because you are Candy Mouth.

it leaks
it seeps
it drizzles
it twitches
it bewitches

it weeps
it drools
it fucking
runs off at
the mouth

babbling
jabbering
divulging
confessing
evincing

announcing
avowing
admitting
abounding
abiding

it’s bona fide
man meat
all right
and don’t you dare
forget it. not for a moment.

a card-carrying
member,
twenty-four carat
rock hard
see it’s secret handshake?

and it might be
just might be
telling you the truth
or maybe it’s
just a crybaby, after all

Her finger is in your ass, her mouth around your cock.  She is doing something deep inside of you that is making your cock leak and drizzle on the back of her tongue.  You hear her swallowing — wet, dirty slurps.  Opening your eyes and looking down, you see a pink-hued liquid sheen around her lips, lipstick having smeared and mingled with your cock juice. 

The lewdness of what you see — this is Ms. Kavinaski, after all — causes your prick to vibrate and you’re about to pump a load into her mouth, when she senses it and quickly pulls her mouth away  — one big slimy, loud suck up the shaft and over and off the mushroom knob.  Your cocks is free, the air-conditioned air instantly cooling the hot slobber that drips down its shaft.

"Not yet."

She wiggles her finger deep inside you and stares into your eyes.   You grunt, your hands pressed to the sides of the chair, knuckles white.

"How bad do you want it?"

Despite the mottled redness of embarrassment burning your skinny neck, your hairless chest, your pale and unlined face, you can’t help yourself.  Your hips move on their own, your mouth is a silent "O" opening and closing, opening and closing.  She licks her tongue around the roseate stain etching her lips, moves her finger outward to the inside edge of your puckered anus, then slowly begins moving it in and out.

"I’m finger fucking your tight, little virgin ass, dear boy.  But, then again," she grabs your still-oozing dick with her free hand and slowly pumps it, "this is a virgin cock, too.  Isn’t it?"

When you don’t answer, instead closing your eyes and moaning, she stops pumping her fist.  "Answer me, or I’ll stop."   Eyes still closed you begin to open your mouth.  "No.  Open your eyes and look at me.  Look at  Mrs. Kavinaski and say it."   You open your eyes.  Looking at her you feel dirty — like a dirty, little boy.  Her slight sneer makes you even feel dirtier.  She knows what you are feeling, what she is doing to you, how out-of-control hot you are.

"Yes, Ma’am."

It is barely a squeak; but, there, you at least said it.

"Don’t call me ma’am, call me teacher.  I’m your teacher.  I’m your vile, nasty, dirty teacher.  And you’re my vile, nasty, dirty student.  A very horny student who needs something from me real bad.  So why don’t you try again.  If you want to me to play with this stiffy of yours, try again."  She jerks it up and down just once, then looks at you expectantly.  You swallow, even as her finger continues to deliberately and methodically screw your asshole.

"Yes, Teacher."

Her mouth is immediately back on your dick, her pumping finger picking up speed.  You feel your balls tightening, pulling up under your groin.  Your groans are loud, echoing in the otherwise empty classroom as your hips buck and you try to fuck her finger and mouth at the same time.  Then she removes her mouth and starts pumping your cock hard and fast.

"Now, tell me how bad you want it."

"Please, Ms. Kavinaski.  I want it.  Play with my dick.  Jerk me off.  Please.  I want it bad."  She smiles, pumps finger and fist even faster.

"Now!  Cum for teacher, you dirty, filthy boy.  Shoot that hot spunk right here on  my face, while I ream out your ass with this finger."

And you do; you cum harder than you probably ever will again in your entire life, shooting all over Ms. Kavinaski’s auburn bangs, her neck, across her face.   You ride the knot to the end, feeling your balls jerking, your asshole spasming around her finger, watching a thick clump of your own boy-milk ooze down her forehead and cling to her thick eyelashes.   You are panting, sweating, almost crying from the intensity of it all, when she speaks again.

"What do you say?  What do you have to say now?"

This time, you know what to say.  Between rattled breaths, you answer.

"Thank you, Teacher."

 

Believe it or not, many women aspire to try the Phone Sex thing. I know because I get tons of email asking for guidance, suggestions and/or linkage. It is impossible to answer everybody. I try when I can, but usually I’m just too busy doing way too much to get to them all. So I thought I’d take some time to address some of these issues today.PLEASE NOTE:  These are only my opinions, but they are based on my personal experience and ethics. Hopefully my callers, my readers, fellow PSOs and aspiring PSOs will find it at least interesting, perhaps enlightening and maybe even instructive.

Yes, it’s easy to get going. Just pop sex jobs or phone sex jobs or phone sex into your search engine and you are on your way. Many phone sex sites have an application page readily handy. I am not going to go through all of the possibilities that are available to the beginner. Doxy, of the Phone Slut Diary, provides excellent information for both callers and providers regarding your choices and what to expect.

Like Doxy, I am an independent, working for myself. This is my business which, unlike Doxy, I operate through the NiteFlirt platform. Yes, my business is very successful and I’m able to support myself quite comfortably. That said, if you are new to the industry, I highly recommend working for a service before making the leap to business owner.

Why? Because good phone sex is about more than moaning and groaning and bragging about how hot you are. If you work for a company–maybe even two or three–before spreading your entrepreneurial wings, you will get the experience you need to create a phone sex business that can stand up to the competition. And believe me, there is a lot of competition.

Plus there are many different types of phone sex. Working for a service, particularly one which takes any request (shemale, MILF, incest, mistress, cross-dressing, submissive, bestiality, hermaphrodite, golden showers, etc.), is the best way to hone your craft. You will get invaluable lessons in human relations and sexuality, and even marketing and customer service. You will also learn what phone sex niche best suits your personality and ability.

And working for a number of services will give you exposure to various business paradigms.  Then when you start shifting from worker bee to queen bee, you will have an very good idea as to how you want to run your business.

In the meantime, while you are in the learning stages and even when you’re “in the biz,” the internet can be your best friend. The information you can garner is invaluable, bountiful and free. Spend your time wisely by checking out the competition, noting what they charge, what they offer, and what makes them stand out. Research fetish terms and types of kink. Read the plethora of free erotic stories that are available everywhere and anywhere.

And remember that even when you are working for a company, you are still in the driver’s seat. It is up to you to provide something of value and build up your own customer base. As I kinda-sorta said earlier, everybody and their mother wants to be a Phone Sex Superstar these days. Which means the caller has innumerable choices. How can you provide an experience which makes him remember you and want to call again?

Personally, I think it’s imperative to value and respect the caller and his particular brand of kink. It’s all about you and your professional integrity. Never judge a man by his fantasy. While you might not be able to fulfill a certain request due to TOS (terms of service) issues, lack of knowledge, understanding and/or ability, that doesn’t mean that the caller is a degenerate.

Even when you are new and just testing the waters (very scary…I still remember every moment of the first call I ever took), your ability to treat the caller like a valued customer will go a long way in making up for lack of experience. It’s a very easy concept: treat the caller the way you like to be treated when you are doing business with someone. And quite frankly, if you can’t or refuse to do that, he will most likely move on to find someone who can. Repeat business is what will build your client base.

I often get age play or bestiality requests. The TOS under which I operate do not permit this type of call. I don’t agree with that policy, but I have to follow it. But I don’t automatically assume the caller is a perverted monster. From experience, I know that 99 percent of these guys are harmless and living very normal–and sometimes even stellar–everyday lives. And so I tell them that–with much regret on my part and no disrespect to them–I cannot fulfill their particular request. Most of the time, if you are nice, the caller will be nice.

A while back, a regular caller told me that the reason he kept calling back was that he was tired of rude “FemDoms” who didn’t even listen to what he wanted, just going off on their own tangents. Which highlights two things worth mentioning here.

1. Specializing in FemDom, BDSM or even Erotic Humiliation does not justify a lack of manners on the part of the provider. Rudeness is not domination, it is crudeness. And actually reflects a lack of superiority, sophistication and talent.
2. Listening well is the ultimate secret weapon if you want to be a successful PSO. There is a Chinese proverb which goes like this: To listen well, is as powerful a means of influence as to talk well, and is as essential to all true conversation. Don’t underestimate the importance of listening. Because if you do, there is no possible way to attain success. It’s the caller’s fantasy, not yours. If you insist on it being about you, you will end up with a phone that never rings.

A topic hotly debated in PSO forums and communities is the matter of pricing. Of course, if you are working for a service, they set the price. The company I got started with charged $75/half hour, with that being the minimum. Our customer base was comprised of smart and successful men. I got spoiled by the best, and now market to attract those callers. I like them a lot. And they seem to like me.

But when I first went out on my own, I couldn’t remain competitive in my environment at the price I thought I was worth. I had to work my way up, so to speak. The buyer wants to know you’re “worth it.” And can you blame him? Before you set your price, it is a good idea to look at other providers offering similar services. And if you have no history of doing business to offer up as proof of your expertise, then set your prices a bit lower than those girls. Give the caller a reason to try out the new girl on the block. As you gain professional recognition and a following, you can then begin to raise your prices.

Lastly, a word about wish lists and tips. While most girls–many of my good friends, in fact–these days have wish lists, I opt not to. Why? Because, quite honestly, I want to be valued and paid well for what I do. In other words, SHOW ME THE MONEY. My job is to get the caller off and do it with (hopefully) a whole bunch of panache. Pay me well for my talent, thank you very much. And I don’t want the caller to feel obligated or bamboozled by a not-so-subtle hint to buy me something.

Tips are okay, if they come in on their own. Again, I don’t expect tips (AKA tributes), nor do I ask for them. Often guys surprise me, which just tickles me pink. This is all rather new, this “gimme, gimme, gimme” attitude on the part of phone sex providers. Unfortunately, I think many girls get into the industry with no thought about providing a quality and professional service. Instead their focus is how much they can get while basically doing nothing to earn or deserve it. Anyway, it’s your call. Just think seriously about the ramifications to you and your business.

So, did you learn something? Or did I piss you off?

(i love you with all of my hard-on)

come to me, he said, my love
come to me and be my heart
my breath, my life, my wise companion
and sail with me on gilded wings
across a sky that knows no shame
into a world that knows no blame

be with me, he said, my love
be with me and be my tart
my bitch, my slut, with wild abandon
fuck my face and fingers, girl-whore
and ride my hard and leaking dick
to leave your cum upon it slick

i heard right, i knew, the first
i heard true and glistened all:
his breath, his life, his jumbled man-tongue
and sailed with him on gilded wings
across a sky that dare not see
into a world that could not be

where my bard was quick undone
his heart but figment’s fancy
and by his lust was held cheap ransom
fuck his face and fingers, did i
and took his shaft with cold constrain
his girl-whore now, mine self-disdain

seed then spent, his deed compleat
nought figment of mine fancy
my flesh did answer this heart undone:
an errant knight was he at best
i’d come to him, believed the lie
that crossed his heart and hoped to die

passion cold, stripped raw, unclothed
in my eyes, his lies struck mute
no chance for sway, he did abandon
this girl who’d sailed on gilded wings
who’d come to him, believed the lie
had crossed her heart, hoped not to cry

deeds of pilfered drupe thus wrought
from this bard, i took my leave
for breath, for life, mine own companion
i sailed away on gilded wings
across the sky that knew his blame
left this world: his loss, his shame

Drink this.

What is it?

It’s a vitamin drink, silly boy. Don’t you trust me?

Yes, but what’s if for?

It’s good for you. Just drink it and quit arguing.

Are you sure?

Oh, stop being so paranoid, and drink the fucking stuff.

Ok. There. Are you happy now?

Very. Here, let me take the glass and put it in the dishwasher. How are you feeling?

Ok, I guess. Why? What did you put in that drink?

I told you it was just vitamins.

Why is it so cold in here?

That’s just a side effect. It will go away soon.

Side effect? From what? What was in that drink?

Quit worrying about that. Remember when you missed my birthday party because you were out with Brad and Carl?

Yes. I told you I was sorry.

You did. And remember when I asked you to pick up my sister’s books from school when she was sick and you forgot? And she ended up having to retake the test? And almost had to retake the entire semester?

Yes. That was a real fuck-up. I’m so sorry, sweetheart.

Yes, you said so at the time.

I must be losing weight. Look at how loose the waistband of these jeans are. Funny, I didn’t notice it when I put them on.

Never mind that. Remember when you told me you were fishing with your dad and I found out later that you were at Mary Theresa’s party?

Nothing happened. I told you that.

Yes, you did. But you lied. I had lunch with Kelly today and she told me exactly what happened at Mary Theresa’s party.

She’s lying. You know how she is.

She is not lying. You are lying. And you are doing something else, also.

Did you see that? I crossed my leg and my sneaker fell off. What the fuck?

I said you are doing something else. Do you want to know what?

What are you talking about?

You’re shrinking.

Get out of here. You’re crazy.

No, dear. I figured since you were such a small man in the ways that count, you might as well look the part. Look behind you. Your head isn’t even reaching the back of the sofa anymore.

This is crazy. It’s some kind of joke.

No, it’s perfectly real and isn’t going to stop. I gave you a very special vitamin drink.

Ok, then. I just won’t drink any more of that shit.

You will. Because very soon your stomach will cramp. It will cramp bad. The only antidote will be more of the vitamin drink.

Are you fucking crazy?

No, not at all. Here, let me help you down from the couch and we’ll go see the cute little crib I bought for you. Pretty soon you will be sleeping in it.

The gossip around the water cooler has it that, contrary to popular consensus, intercourse is not the cardinal sex act of human beings.

The Chatty Cathy gleefully imparting this particular tidbit went on to say that the ultimate sexual act is masturbation, because, after all, it is a “one hand operation,” and we don’t need anybody around to “pull it off.”

“You know what they say,” Scuttlebutt Sam snickered in agreement, “Ninety-nine percent of us masturbate and the other one percent is lying about it.”

“Yeah,” Flibbertigibbet Frannie chimed in, “You know what Woody Allen said, ‘It’s having sex with someone you love.’”

You have to admit that — jabber jaws that they are — Cathy and her buddies do have a point. Let’s just hope they don’t point it at us! Of course, being a Phone Sex Operator gives me a kind of a “fly on the genitalia” perspective on this sort of thing. (The beat goes on, if you know what I mean.) But I’m not about to share it with these gossipmongers. While they flap their jaws and chortle and titter, let’s you and me sneak off to the coffee shop around the corner for a Frappuccino, and I’ll give you—but only you—the real scoop.

Make sure to bring your wallet, darling, because you’re buying, of course. You know, I always did like you.

*****

There we go. Comfy? Good. No, don’t sit too close; scoot over just a tad.

Yes, that’s much better. Now where were we? Oh yes, masturbation.

Let’s face it, mi amigo; you’d have to be dumber than ditchwater not to figure out that self-gratification is the favorite sexual activity of Homo sapiens. What the water cooler gang failed to mention when they were busy wagging their frivolous, pink tongues is the brain-work that goes into a feisty little round of masturbation. Don’t look so surprised. Surely, you knew this?

In comparison, fucking is the easy stuff of sex—at least it is once you get past the butterflies, general ambiguity, and extra five pounds you’ve recently acquired. Ok, I’ll admit that there is a bit of a “catch 69” with the hanky-panky of conjugation; but once the little peccadilloes have been dealt with it’s pretty much easy sailing!

After all, everyone needs and desires a measure of tummy-tickling now and then. We hunger for the intimacy of flesh on flesh. Not to mention, the kissing part is pretty nice. All we need is two bodies, a fair-to-middling amount of willingness, and a mutual attraction to get things started. Sometimes, we are so eager for a bit of the bouncy-bouncy, we even (shame on us!) forgo the mutual attraction part.

But singular sex is an “intercourse” of a different color. The glib patter and off-handed remarks of our water cooler pals just doesn’t do it justice. When it comes to masturbating, we are much more than naked apes. We are fully-realized human beings using every God-given brain cell, because that is, after all, what will get us from here to there. And we frantically want to get to there.

And just what are those busy little brain cells up to, pray tell? Well, they’re up to the beeswax of fantasy, of course! They know what we want, know what we need, and are hell-bent on getting the job done. And getting us done! This is us-focused and us-blameless unconditional love. Why not wallow in it once in a while? And we better appreciate it, because—in lieu of a hot-to-trot lover beside us, atop us, behind us—these little eggheads are all we’ve got. They’ve got us by the balls and the tits, and we’re loving every minute of it.

These little cerebral prodigies know us better than we know ourselves, and certainly know more about us than a hot-to-trot lover ever could. Tenacious and constant, they feed on our deviant fetishes and profane desires (Talk about brain food!), and then serve them back to us, delicious and dirty with a cherry on top. (Yum! Yum! Dessert always was my favorite part of the meal!)

What I’m trying to say, as I finish off this Frappuccino, is that we all need the magic, the thrill, the escapism of fantasy. It starts with Mother Goose and never goes away. We look for it in the books we read, the movies we see, even the dreams we dream. What’s wrong with looking for it in a steamy round of solo sex from time to time?

So, when it comes to sex, why not let our brains do the work once in a while….while our fingers do the walking?

Go ahead and rack your medulla oblongata! It’s begging for it!

Now, we need to get back to the water cooler.

Oh…and don’t forget to leave a tip.